Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I could fuck to npr.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
