so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
