Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
