Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
