Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
