According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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