I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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