I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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