I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
