why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
