So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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