I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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