I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
