i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
