I didn't shave. On purpose
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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