mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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