you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
