I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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