I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
