I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
