i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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