im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
