You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
