Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Someone came in the potted fern
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
