i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
