so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
