Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
