This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
