I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
