he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I believe in your delicious
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
