I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
