My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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