and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
And then he peed in my hair
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