Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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