He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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