so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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