I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
