i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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