I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
