Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
