So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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