apparently the secret to your success is patron
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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