I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
