And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
