I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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