just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
