I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
