Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
