So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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