The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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