I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize