im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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