I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I think i got beer on your cat.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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