She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize