I cannot find my penis.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
