as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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