just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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