you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
