His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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