I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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