if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
