Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
