hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
