Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
