Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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