Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
