I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
