She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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